


A Bisexual Genius is typing...

by Absentfather



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bisexual Derek Morgan, Bisexual Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Bisexual Spencer Reid, F/F, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, M/M, OOC characters, Pansexual Penelope Garica, Textfic, They are crackheads, chatfic, derek morgan is bad at feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27619745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Absentfather/pseuds/Absentfather
Summary: Penelope starts a group chat for the BAU, stuff happens.Rated T for swear words, sex references and Penelope Garica.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 9
Kudos: 138





	1. A new group had been made

Penelope Garica has created the group chat: BAU Tea

Penelope Garica: Welcome everyone to our group chat!

Derek Morgan: Babygirl, we already see each other almost every day. Why do we need a group chat?

Penelope Garica has changed their name to 'Queen tech'

Queen tech has changed Derek Morgan to 'Hot chocolate'

Hot chocolate: Nevermind baby girl.

David Rossi: Please tell me why my beauty sleep was ruined for this?

Emily Prentiss: Yeah, why was my cuddles with JJ interrupted for this?

Jennifer Jareau: Emily!

Spencer Reid: Wat is gonig on? 

Queen tech: Firstly, Spencer, your texting is horrible.

Spencer Reid: Ruude.

Queen Tech: Secondly...

Queen tech has changed David Rossi to 'Papa Pasta'

Queen tech has changed Emily Prentiss to 'Funky lesbian'

Queen Tech has changed Jennifer Jareau to 'Mom gay'

Queen tech has changed Spencer Reid to 'Pretty Boi'

Queen tech has changed Aaron Hotchner to 'Dadboss'

Hot chocolate: Wait, Hotch is here?

Dadboss: Hello.

Pretty Boi: Whyy is my namre spelyt wrobng?

Queen tech: It matches your terrible texting :)

Pretty Boi: :(

Queen tech: :O

Hot chocolate: What is going on?

Funky lesbian: Quiet, I want to see what happens next.

Pretty Boi: :)

Queen tech: :)

Funky lesbian: YES! 

Hot chocolate: I still have no idea what just happened.

Papa Pasta: Join the club.

Dadboss: Can everyone go to sleep?

Funky lesbian: NO! >:)

Dadboss: I'll tell Strauss about you and JJ.

Funky lesbian:...

Funky lesbian is offline

Mom gay: I'll deal with Emily, she is now sulking in bed.

Mom gay is offline

Dadboss: And the rest of you.

Queen tech: But dad!

Dadboss: I am not your father.

Queen tech: Yeah but none of us have dads. 

Queen tech: Either you are our dad or we are going to Papa Pasta's house.

Papa Pasta: It is not a house, it is a mansion. 

Pretty Boi: Its a whle aess cokllege.

Hot chocolate: Just because your apartment is tiny. 

Pretty Boi: Yiou're timy.

Hot chocolate: If you think it's tiny then maybe you should look at it instead.

Pretty Boi: ?

Queen tech: DEREK MORGAN, OUR FATHERS CAN SEE THIS! 

Papa Pasta is offline

Dadboss: Get some sleep.

Dadboss is offline

Queen tech: Oh my fucking god, they're dead. You have killed them Morgan with your awful language. 

Pretty Boi: He was spesakingg engluish?

Queen tech: That is not what I meant, Reid. 

Pretty Boi: Thren what? 

Queen tech: You don't what to know.

Pretty Boi: I do!

Hot chocolate: Hey look! He made a text with no spelling mistakes!

Pretty Boi:...

Pretty Boi is offline

Queen tech: Well now I know something about you, hot chocolate. 

Hot chocolate: I don't know what you are talking about.

Queen tech: I'll tell Reid what the thing you said means.

Hot chocolate:...

Hot chocolate: I'm leaving.

Queen tech: That's what I thought.

Hot chocolate is offline

Queen tech is offline


	2. Silence is an answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dads are tired, the gays are causing chaos and Spencer is, well who knows about Spencer, he's terrible at texting.

Queen tech is online

Hot chocolate is online

Pretty Boi is online

Funky lesbian is online

Queen tech: Where is mom and the dads?

Funky lesbian: JJ is asleep next to me, she looks so peaceful.

Pretty Boi: Is sjhe olkay?

Funky lesbian: Yeah she just didn't get a lot of sleep last night so I'm letting her sleep for longer.

Hot chocolate: Why didn't she get a lot of sleep ;)?

Funky lesbian: Because of the group chat you idiot. 

Hot chocolate: Oh.

Queen tech: What about the dads, where are there?

Pretty Boi: Porabably beoing dads toigethre.

Hot chocolate: Wow Pretty boy, I hear a bit of sass in you.

Pretty Boi: I am nott speking tho.

Hot chocolate: It was a joke Pretty boy.

Pretty Boi: Oh...

Papa Pasta is online

Queen tech: Papa Pasta! Pasta Papa! 

Papa Pasta: How are you all FBI Agents? 

Funky lesbian: We cheated.

Papa Pasta: Makes sense.

Pretty Boi: I didnt!

Papa Pasta: I know, kid, I know. 

Funky lesbian: Spencer we were joking as well, you have to learn what a joke is.

Pretty Boi: Learning do be fun tho.

Hot chocolate: Are we going to talk about how pretty boy is using shorthand slang to write?

Pretty Boi: Pls dont.

Queen tech: Makes him seen more good around tech, it's fine by me. 

Funky lesbian: Yea, makes him sound more like us than a genius.

Papa Pasta: I guess that makes me the smartest in the group chat then.

Dadboss is online

Papa Pasta: I was wrong...

Funky lesbian: Gays scatter!

Funky lesbian is offline

Pretty Boi is offline

Hot chocolate is offline

Queen tech is offline

Dadboss: What just happened?

Papa Pasta: I don't know Aaron, I do not know. 

Dadboss: Did she say 'gays scatter''? 

Papa Pasta: Yeah, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Derek and Penelope left. Spencer is not that surprising and Emily's name on this is 'funky lesbian'. 

Dadboss: Seeing what Morgan said about Spencer, not surprising.

Papa Pasta: What do you mean?

Dadboss: The 'tiny' text?

Papa Pasta: Oh...

Dadboss: I'll expect to see everyone tomorrow.

Dadboss is offline

Queen tech is online

Hot chocolate is online

Pretty Boi is online

Funky lesbian is online

Mom gay is online

Pretty Boi: JJ, Youre heere! :)

Mom gay: Yeah, I just woke up Spence.

Funky lesbian: That is enough of that. JJ, want to join me?

Mom gay: Sure ;)

Funky lesbian is offline

Mom gay is offline

Hot chocolate: Oh my god, are they really?

Queen tech: I think so, yeah.

Pretty Boi: Whaat? Wat are thry doinhg?

Queen tech: Nothing darling, just nothing.

Hot chocolate: Go do some work or something, kid.

Pretty Boi: I alreaduy diid al my wok.

Hot chocolate: How is your spelling getting worse?

Pretty Boi:...

Pretty Boi is offline

Queen tech: Smooth Morgan, real smooth.

Hot chocolate: I'm bad at this, okay! 

Queen tech: You're not, you are just bad at it when it comes to Reid.

Hot chocolate: Yeah but that is because he is pretty boy, not pretty...

Queen tech: Lady?

Hot chocolate: ...

Queen tech: Your silence is an answer on its own. 

Papa Pasta: You both do know that I'm still here, right?

Queen tech:...

Queen tech is offline

Papa Pasta: The kid likes you Morgan, you should go for it.

Hot chocolate:...Thanks...

Papa Pasta: Have a great rest of your day, Derek Morgan.

Hot chocolate: I will, thanks Rossi.

Hot chocolate is offline

Papa Pasta is offline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so fun to do and for WHAT? It is so easy to do and there is no real story to it!


	3. Sexual harassment seminar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hotch has made all of them go through a sexual harassment seminar, they decide to text each other instead.

Queen tech is online

Hot chocolate is online

Funky lesbian is online

Funky lesbian: This is so boring! Why do we even have to be here?

Hot chocolate: Says the one dating her co worker.

Funky lesbian: Me and JJ have been together for so long that it is almost like we are married, try again love <3

Funky lesbian: Also, would you like to say that again, maybe to Idk, Spencer?

Hot chocolate: I hate you.

Funky lesbian: I have that effect on people.

Queen tech: Gays, stop fighting! 

Hot chocolate: I'm not gay.

Queen tech: Lesbian and Bisexual, stop fighting!

Hot chocolate: Oh, okay.

Funky lesbian: He started it!

Queen tech: You're both acting like kids.

Funky lesbian: We are not!

Hot chocolate: Yeah, how dare you say that, baby girl!

Queen tech:...

Queen tech: @Papa Pasta @Dad Boss come get y'all kids.

Papa Pasta is online

Dad Boss is online

Hot chocolate: Shit.

Papa Pasta: Language my little pastaling

Hot chocolate: What?

Papa Pasta: You heard me.

Dad Boss: Why are you even here, you are suppose to be listening to the seminar.

Funky lesbian: Yeah but it's boring :(

Dad Boss: You and Morgan are the two people that need to be listening in the first place.

Funky lesbian: You make it sound straight, I think you mean Derek, me and JJ.

Queen tech: Now it sounds like a threesome.

Dad Boss:...

Funky lesbian:...

Hot chocolate:...

Papa Pasta: Reminds me of high school.

Funky lesbian: Okay didn't need to know about that from our father. 

Dad Boss: Listen in or I will take your phones away.

Funky lesbian:...

Hot chocolate:...

Queen tech:...

Queen tech is offline

Hot chocolate is offline

Funky lesbian is offline

Dad Boss: You two, Dave.

Papa Pasta: Aaron, I don't need to listen to this.

Dad Boss: Seeing the amount of wives you had makes me think you do.

Papa Pasta:... Fine, not because you told me to but because I want to see what points are made.

Papa Pasta is offline

Dad Boss is offline

Funky lesbian is online

Queen tech is online

Hot chocolate is online

Mom gay is online

Pretty Boi is online

Funky lesbian: Are they gone?

Queen tech: Yeah, they're gone.

Pretty Boi: Yay!!!!!

Hot chocolate: Pretty boy, why are you so excited my that?

Pretty Boi: Sht up...

Mom gay: Spence! I raised you better than that!

Pretty Boi: No oone reaised me.

Funky lesbian: Damn, that's dark.

Hot chocolate: Yea, are you okay kid?

Pretty Boi: Pls dont call me kis

Hot chocolate: Would you like babe more? ;)

Pretty Boi: Wat?

Queen tech: Stop confusing the boy, Derek!

Hot chocolate: But he's cute when he is confused!

Mom gay: I don't think Morgan knows what he is saying.

Funky lesbian: Oh trust me, he knows what he is saying.

Mom gay: Well in that case...

Mom gay: Get him, Morgan!

Pretty Boi: Smeone tell mi wat is gong on?

Funky lesbian: A Bi panic.

Pretty Boi: Wat?

Mom gay: Great, now he is even more confused than before.

Queen tech: Spencer understand this, Morgan wants you.

Pretty Boi: Why? We arre frinds alrady.

Funky lesbian: For a genius, you are really a dumb bitch Reid.

Pretty Boi: No im not!

Funky lesbian: You type like you're drunk.

Pretty Boi: Bold of u two asumee Im not aways on dugs.

Hot chocolate: I-

Funky lesbian: Are you okay Reid, do you need help?

Pretty Boi: No.

Funky lesbian: Understandable, have a great day. 

Mom gay: so are we going to talk about that or-?

Pretty Boi: dont

Papa Pasta is online

Papa Pasta: You know that Hotch has been reading these messages from behind JJ right? He is sitting right behind her. 

Pretty Boi:...

Hot chocolate:...

Mom gay:...

Funky lesbian:...

Queen tech: Shit.

Dad Boss is online

Dad Boss: Shit is right, Garica.

Queen tech: Hey Hotch, how are ya?

Dad Boss: Better than Reid's mental state.

Funky lesbian: Oof, burn.

Dad Boss: What are you talking about? I did not 'burn' him?

Queen tech: I don't think you know what that means Hotch.

Dad Boss: The seminar is ending, get off your phones before they notice.

Dad Boss is offline

Papa Pasta is offline

Queen tech is offline

Mom gay is offline

Funky lesbian is offline

Hot chocolate: Goodnight pretty boy.

Pretty Boi: Night

Hot chocolate is offline

Pretty Boi: Ill miss yoou

Pretty Boi is offline

Queen tech is online

Queen tech: What did you say Spencer?

Queen tech is offline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was just thinking of that one episode where they have a seminar...
> 
> Thanks for reading, it will only be a day until the next chapter is up.


	4. Project get them together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penelope has made another text group without Spencer to get him and Derek together.

Penelope Garcia has created a new group chat: Get Morgan and Reid together

Penelope Garcia has added: Derek Morgan, David Rossi, Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau 

Derek Morgan is Online

Derek Morgan: Babygirl, please tell me this isn't what I think it is.

Penelope Garcia: Oh, but it is.

David Rossi is online

Emily Prentiss is online

Jennifer Jareau is online

Aaron Hotchner is online

David Rossi: Thank God our names are back to normal.

Penelope Garcia: Oh I knew I forgot something!

David Rossi: Shit

Penelope Garcia has changed their name to 'Babygirl'

Babygirl has changed Derek Morgan to 'Loverman'

Loverman: Babygirl!

Loverman: I am not in love!

Babygirl: Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

Babygirl has changed Emily Prentiss is 'Presstits'

Presstits: Is my name really ' Press tits'?

Loverman: I mean it fits.

Presstits: I will boil your teeth.

Loverman: Noted.

Babygirl has changed Jennifer Jareau to 'BiJJ'

BiJJ: How did you know?

Babygirl: You weren't hiding anything.

Babygirl has changed Aaron Hotchner to 'Father'

Father: Please stop calling me your father in different ways.

Babygirl: No >:)

Babygirl had changed David Rossi to 'Richman'

Richman: Better than Papa Pasta.

Presstits: So firstly, we need to get Morgan to Spencer's heart.

Presstits: And the quickest way to a man's heart is through the fourth and fifth rib

Father: Do I want to know why you know that?

Presstits: No

Father: Fair enough.

BiJJ: Guys I feel bad doing this without Spencer?

Babygirl: That is the point JJ! Spencer is dumb when it comes to love and with the amount of flirting Morgan has been doing, we need to bring out the big guns. 

Richman: And what would that be?

Babygirl: Hacking into Morgan's phone and writing things for him?

Richman: Good.

Loverman: What? NO! Babygirl please, what have I ever done to deserve this?

Babygirl: Not get with Spencer even after years of pining him.

Loverman: Hey, I have not been pining him for years.

Presstits: That's the biggest lie I have ever heard.

Loverman: Leave me alone, I have gone through a lot.

Babygirl; You mean all of the pining?

Loverman:...

Loverman: I'm leaving

BiJJ: No, we need you to talk about Spence!

Loverman: No you don't, bye.

Loverman is offline

Father: Well, I think this should stop now.

Babygirl: But sir!

Richman: I agree, Morgan doesn't like it and it is wrong to do it behind Reid's back. 

Babygirl: If we don't do this then Morgan will keep flirting with Spencer and Spencer won't know what is going on!

Father: Garcia.

Babygirl has removed Father from 'Get Morgan and Reid together'

Presstits: Oh, you're brave. See you when they ask you to clean your desk out.

Presstits is offline

Richman: Now I don't agree with Aaron, let me stay.

Babygirl:...

Babygirl: Fine, but only because you asked

BiJJ: Guys, Hotch is walking over here!

Richman: Oh, be careful Garcia.

Richman is offline

BiJJ: Run while you still can Penelope.

BiJJ is offline

Babygirl: Well shit.

Babygirl is offline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun chapter to make, I think I should of put Spencer in it but it is fine now.


	5. Babygirl added Spencer Reid to 'Get Morgan and Reid together'

Babygirl has added Spencer Reid to 'Get Morgan and Reid together'

Babygirl: Let the drama start

Babygirl is offline

Loverman is online

Loverman: NO! 

Loverman: NO!

Loverman: NO!

Loverman: Please come back babygirl!

Babygirl is online

Babygirl: Fine.

Richman is online

Babygirl: DAD! :D

Richman: Dad is your father, not me.

Loverman: Does that make you our mother?

Richman: Shut up.

Babygirl: Oh, I knew that I needed to do something.

Babygirl has added Father to 'Get Morgan and Reid together'

Father is online

Father: Thank you.

Father is offline

Loverman: Damn, Penelope, what did he say he would do if you didn't bring him back into the group chat?

Babygirl: Take away my club penguin membership.

Loverman: What? He wouldn't dare!

Presstits is online

Presstits: I heard club penguin and I came as soon as I could.

Loverman: Oh really, where were you then?

Presstits: JJ's sick, remember? I'm taking care of her.

Loverman: Oh.

Spencer Reid is online

Babygirl has changed Spencer Reid to 'Loverboi'

Loverboi: Were am i?

Babygirl: For Hotch's sake, I can't deal with your awful spelling ALL the time!

Babygirl is offline

Presstits: Oh you are so screwed Spencer.

Loverboi: Wat?

Loverboi is offline

Loverman: Penelope just left her office, this is going to be good.

Presstits: Well, that was quick and quite boring.

Babygirl is online

Babygirl: There, now I won't have to deal with that anymore.

Loverman: Babygirl, what did you do?

Babygirl: Nothing bad!

Presstits: That makes me think it is something bad.

Babygirl: Emily, not you two!

Loverboi is online

Loverboi: What did you do? My spelling is being fixed so quick.

Babygirl: I put on auto-correct you animal.

Richman: I hope Aaron doesn't see this.

Father is online

Presstits: He heard you, Hotch is God!

Babygirl: Hotch is God!

Loverman: Stop calling him God!

Loverboi: Hotch is God!

Loverman: Not you two Reid.

Loverman is offline

Presstits: We killed another person with our gayness!

Father: Do I want to know?

Presstits: No sir.

Father:...

Father: Goodbye everyone

Father is offline

Loverman: Oh shit! My mother has been waiting for me for ten minutes now. GTG

Loverman is offline

Babygirl: Oh, your mother? I'm going to get some of her pie right NOW!

Babygirl: I'll get you some as well.

Babygirl is offline

Presstits: JJ is calling me, peace bitches!

Presstits is offline

Loverboi: Why is everyone leave?

Richman: I don't know kid, just get some rest.

Loverboi: Lol, like I sleep.

Richman:...

Richman: I'm worried about you sometimes kid.

Loverboi: I know.

Richman: And I'll tell Morgan to tell his mother about you.

Loverboi: Thanks.

Loverboi: Wait, what will he tell her?

Richman is offline

Loverboi: Rossi Please tell me!

Loverboi:...

Loverboi: I'll get you, you know that.

Father is online

Father: Reid.

Loverboi is offline

Father: Kids.

Father is offline

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a longer fic that my other ones.


End file.
